Dear CHOICES Subscribers, I've been know to make things up, but I swear I'm not making this up... In our "Health Options Digest" electronic newsletter, CHOICES recently published a "Musical Hospitals" column, allegedly by Dave Barry of the Miami Herald. (A corrected version of the column appears below.) Mr. Barry didn't write the column, nor did he authorize it. While he presumably was in Stanley, Idaho, over the summer, he didn't bump into me. He most certainly didn't crash into my car. While I'm a big fan of his and have actually seen him at book signings and fairs in Florida, we don't know each other. In short, the column was a fabrication, a fraud, a hoax I perpetrated. After its publication, Mr. Barry did see the column. He had this to say: Dear Rob Zako -- I won't sue you. I understand that you meant your column, written under my name, as a joke. But it was wrong for you to use my name to promote your cause, worthy though it may be. I think you'd feel the same way if somebody used your name to promote a cause you knew nothing about. My career is my words. I work very hard on them; they're my job, my business, my life. By representing your words as mine, you tamper with that. As you noted in your letter, people have already assumed that your "joke" column was mine; it's on the Internet now, and (believe me) it will not go away any time soon. So I'd appreciate it if you would make a serious effort to clarify who wrote the column, by writing an explanation and distributing it the same way you distributed the original column. Sincerely, Dave Barry Mr. Barry is right. I was wrong to use his name for our purposes. I wouldn't want somebody using my name for their purposes. I regret taking advantage of his good name. I publicly apologize to Mr. Barry, and hope he will see fit to accept my apology. * * * Here's what happened: I saw Dave Barry's column about his summer adventures in Stanley, Idaho . This summer, my wife and I really were in Stanley, Idaho, too. (Contrary to what Dave Barry wrote, Stanley actually has a population greater than just one guy named Erasmo. I think we must have seen at least five or six folks in the whole town!) Thus it was natural that I fantasized that Dave Barry and I might have been in Stanley at the same time. I know that Dave Barry likes to poke fun at almost everything, especially government and corporate waste and abuse of power. So I began to imagine what Dave Barry might say about our two hospitals. Once I started, the column almost wrote itself. It is just a synopsis of what has really happened in our community, with a few stylized (read: stolen) phrases thrown in for humorous effect. Perhaps all of this would have been fine, if only I had made it clear that the column was a hoax written by me rather than a real column by Dave Barry. But once I had written the column, it was just too tempting to pretend that the column was real, dropping enough hints that I thought people would recognize the column as a hoax. Succumbing to that temptation was my mistake. Again, I apologize to Dave Barry and to everyone else for my weakness and my error. * * * If the "Musical Hospitals" column is comic, perhaps what is happening in our community is actually tragic. Choice in health care is a vital issue. Health care professionals in other communities cannot believe the absurdity of our community planning to invest close to half a billion dollars to switch the locations of our two hospitals. They don't understand the sense of our "Hospital Wars." In Shakespeare's dramas, the difference between a comedy and a tragedy often hinges on the consequences of small actions. If Romeo had received Juliet's message that she planned to drink a potion and thus known that she was only feigning death, he wouldn't have killed himself in grief and thus she wouldn't have killed herself. They could have lived happily ever after. Miscommunication turned what could have been a romantic comedy into a tragedy. At root, Shakespeare's dramas are about the weakness of human nature. Shakespeare's works are timeless because the character flaws he dramatizes are timeless. Even in our postmodern information age, there are still the Seven Deadly Sins: pride, gluttony, sloth, covetousness, lust, anger and envy. At root, the pride of the warring families, the Montagues and the Capulets, was the deadly sin that led to the deaths of their children, Romeo and Juliet. Of course, not all character flaws are fatal, not all sins are deadly. Christianity teaches that all men and women are sinners, but that can achieve redemption through atonement, forgiveness and grace. One can think of my misuse of Dave Barry's name as a sin rooted in pride. I hope that by confessing the sin and by atoning for it with this public apology, that sin won't prove fatal. The Sisters of St. Joseph of Peace, a Catholic organization, should know a lot about sin and human weakness. They have been providing health care to communities in the Pacific Northwest since 1890, when two Sisters traveled west from New Jersey to establish a hospital in Bellingham, Washington. In 1936, at the request of local physicians, the Sisters of St. Joseph of Peace (then known as the the Sisters of St. Joseph of Newark) agreed to buy Eugene's financially and structurally ailing Pacific Christian Hospital for $50,000, renaming it Sacred Heart General Hospital. In 1976 they consolidated the various health care ministries in their Western Province into a single not-for-profit system, adopting the name PeaceHealth in 1994. PeaceHealth's Mission Statement and Values reflect the character and mission of the sponsoring Sisters of St. Joseph of Peace: * Respecting individual human dignity and worth: We respect the dignity and appreciate the worth of each person as demonstrated by our compassion, caring and acceptance of individual differences. * Stewardship: We choose to serve the community and hold ourselves accountable to exercise ethical and responsible stewardship in the allocation and utilization of human, financial and environmental resources. * Collaboration: We value the involvement, cooperation and creativity of all who work together to promote the health of the community. * Social Justice: We build and evaluate the structures of our organization and those of society to promote the just distribution of health care resources. (The preceding information about PeaceHealth is taken from PeaceHealth's own web site: .) Now here's the $400-million question: Is PeaceHealth staying true to its mission in pursuing a hospital in Springfield, in particular, is it serving the community, holding itself accountable to exercise ethical and responsible stewardship, involving the community, and promoting the just distribution of health care resources? Or have pride and corporate greed blinded PeaceHealth to the sins it is committing, leading it to bulldoze through a hospital on 160 acres planned for residential development, with no meaningful public involvement, with no regard for the impacts of such a move on McKenzie-Willamette or on the surrounding area, and in flagrant violation of numerous laws and regulations? While CHOICES has our opinion, it isn't our role to judge. Here on earth, we have juries and judges to do that. A jury of citizens concluded that PeaceHealth tried to monopolize the local market for hospital services, engaged in price discrimination and unlawfully interfered in McKenzie-Willamette's business relationships. LUBA, which is a panel of three judges, is currently sifting through arguments to determine if the City of Springfield, acting on PeaceHealth's behalf, violated various land use planning laws and regulations. And ultimately, PeaceHealth, like all of us, must answer to a higher power. Has PeaceHealth been acting more like a saint or a sinner? Perhaps PeaceHealth itself recognizes that it must ultimately answer to a hire power. Shortly after the jury ruled against PeaceHealth in the antitrust lawsuit, PeaceHealth CEO Alan Yordy wrote to his employees: "Marilyn Klug often reminds the executive team that there is our will and God's will. Sometimes the two are not the same. Friday was an especially poignant reminder. ..." Yordy's remarks cause us to wonder whose will PeaceHealth is following, if not God's. PeaceHealth does provide quality health care to the community. For that, CHOICES and others are grateful. But PeaceHealth is also known as "Sacred Wallet" and often operates like a top-down corporation more concerned about its own glory and bottom line than what is truly best for the community. The whole effort to develop a new hospital has appeared to be first and foremost a public relations effort. To see this, just observe the difference in how PeaceHealth and McKenzie-Willamette have approached the problem of finding new hospital sites. PeaceHealth announced their decision to move to Springfield after secret dealings with a land speculator, who greased the skids by running a series of cartoons aimed as discrediting the Eugene City Council. McKenzie-Willamette appears to be dealing straight with the community about its need for a hospital site and the potential sites it is considering. From what we can see, PeaceHealth has not been acting in the community's best interest. At many turns, it has tried to slow down McKenzie-Willamette, limited the public's ability to effectively voice their concerns, and tried to short-circuit the approval process in order to meet their own deadline for opening the new hospital. From what we can see, pride as much as medical necessity have been driving PeaceHealth's plans for a new hospital. How else can one explain using $400 million and 160 acres to construct a "healing environment" that in many ways resembles a cathedral? pride is a sin, not all sins are deadly. When one has sinned -- when one is found guilty of trying to monopolize the local market for hospital services -- the righteous thing to do and, indeed, the thing that is in the long-term self-interest of the corporation is to admit wrong-doing, to look inward, and to make structural changes to prevent similar actions from occurring in the future. The ending to the "Musical Hospitals" drama has yet to be written. Will it be a comedy or a tragedy? The answer depends in large measure on the choices the people of this community make in the coming months. The answer depends on the choices PeaceHealth makes. We call on PeaceHealth to confess its wrongdoing, to stop its efforts to dominate the local health care market, and to make amends to the community. We call on PeaceHealth to listen to the community -- and not just in Springfield. We call on the employees of PeaceHealth to demand that their management come clean with them and the community. We urge community leaders and you to accept nothing less. There is still time to prevent the drama of "Musical Hospitals" from turning into a tragedy. But pride must give way to good, two-way communication. It's not yet a "done deal." For CHOICES, Rob Zako 343-5201 rzako@efn.org ================================================================================ [Editor's Note: Following is a corrected version of the "Musical Hospitals" column, which was originally published on October 12, 2003. Changes to the original are indicated by square brackets. Many thanks to Dave Barry for his sense of humor, his example, his patience and his grace.] Dear CHOICES Subscribers, While on vacation in Idaho this summer, I [did not] bump into my old [not-a-]friend from Florida, Dave Barry . Literally, [I did not]. He [did not] bump into my Honda Civic, bending the fender. Being a funny guy, he tried to make a big joke out of [his trip to Idaho]. But eventually he [did not say] he would make it up to me with a favor. So I [never] asked him to write a "Health Options Digest" column for me. After I saw what he [didn't write], I'm not sure he is doing me any favors. Blame [me], not [him], okay? Rob Zako, Editor 343-5201 rzako@efn.org ================================================================================ Musical Hospitals By [ROB ZAKO in imitation and appreciation of] DAVE BARRY [Editor's Note: The following is a parody intended to amuse. Dave Barry had nothing to do with this column. We think he can take a joke, and hope the public figures mentioned can take a joke, too.] After my Idaho rafting trip this summer, I visited an old friend who had moved from Florida (motto: "Banana Republic") to Oregon (motto: "Almost as good as Mississippi"). He lives in Eugene (motto: "Still infighting after all these years"), where everyone wears tie-dyed and smokes pot. No, seriously, Eugene is the home of the Mighty Ducks, a division of Phil Knight's Nike shoe empire. Speaking of games and money, the highest stakes game in Eugene is called "musical hospitals." Eugene has had the same hospital, Sacred Heart (motto: "Sacred Wallet"), since the first missionaries followed the Oregon Trail and set up a mission in Eugene to convert the Buddhist Hippies living in tents. Sacred Heart charges an arm and a leg for heart surgery. No, seriously, Sacred Heart is a state-of-the-art regional medical center that provides top-quality health care -- for a price. Meanwhile, across the Willamette (rhymes with "dammit") River in solid Springfield (motto: "We're not Eugene; we're open for business"), an upstart community hospital, McKenzie-Willamette Hospital (motto: "Dammit, Jim, we're doctors, not businesspeople"), has this quaint notion that people want personal care rather than expensive medical technology. Obviously, McKenzie-Willamette Hospital is on the verge of going bankrupt. Sacred Heart is led by Alan Yordy, who has a really nice haircut but doesn't see patients, as he is a marketer by trade. He also has an aversion to condemning another historic movie theater, but that's another story. No, seriously, Yordy is a hard-hitting businessman with a 100-year vision: Pull up the stakes, circle the wagons and get out of Dodge. Yordy is leading Sacred Heart out of the of the Eugene wilderness... and into the traffic jams of Springfield. Sacred Heart has bought up 160 acres of land in Springfield near the Interstate and plans to build a $400-million palace... I mean, a caring, healing environment on the banks of the beautiful McKenzie River (motto: "Not as polluted as the Willamette River"). McKenzie-Willamette Hospital is led by Roy Orr, who also has a really nice haircut, but is also a doctor, even thought he is too busy to see patients. Orr has reacted to Yordy's move the way quarterback Joey Harrington reacts to a rushing tackle: He zigs and zags and tries to find an opening. In this case, McKenzie-Willamette Hospital is trying to relocate to Eugene to get out from under the shadow of Sacred Heart. It wants to build a $80-million hospital, perhaps even right on top of the Lane County Fairgrounds (motto: "Come for the rides; leave with the E. Coli"). In summary, Sacred Heart is moving from Eugene to Springfield and McKenzie-Willamette is trying to move from Springfield to Eugene. So why don't the two hospitals simply swap facilities and save the community a total of $480 million? Because things are rarely simple in Oregon. They have this quaint notion that land use should make sense. Indeed, they have laws that say, in effect, that property owners can't do anything. No seriously, Oregon has worked very hard for the past 30 years to pass laws to make Portland half the city Miami is with no laws at all. I'm not making this up. An expert on land use planning, Andres Duany, has been telling people for years how much better Miami is than Portland. Of course, Miami has hurricanes and is built on a swamp, but that's another story. So rather than simply build the hospital, Sacred Heart is having to go through this long, complicated process of plan amendments, land use appeals... and kickbacks. Ha ha! Just kidding. Sacred Heart is a upstanding member of the community and is contributing $7 million to Springfield's road fund with no strings attached. Of course, most everyone in Eugene thinks that land use planning is futile and the new Sacred Heart hospital is a "done deal": They have been sedated with nonstop coverage of the Mighty Ducks, which has rendered them incapable of paying attention to local politics for more than a 30-second shoe commercial spot. There are only a very small number of people -- in fact, just one guy, my friend in Eugene -- who are paying any attention at all. And even he is questionable, as he wears tie-dyed and has long hair, and you know where that leads. If all this weren't enough, McKenzie-Willamette Hospital is doing what every hardworking American does when things get tough: They are suing Sacred Heart for antitrust violations, hoping to win a windfall jury award. In conclusion, if you get sick in Eugene, head to Springfield -- and vice versa. And don't sue me for antitrust violations. I don't know what I am talking about. Go get a second opinion. Copyright 2003, [by Rob Zako, who has no affiliation with] The Miami Herald