The Godmother
June 29, 2005
Coalition for Health Options In Central Eugene-Springfield (CHOICES)

In 1969, Mario Puzo published The Godfather, the story of an American family. Over 35 years later as we approach our Independence Day holiday, we at CHOICES offer an updated story of an American Family. Enjoy!

The Godmother

Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction and all characters are fictional. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

SCENE: A dark, windowless, smoke-filled room at an undisclosed location in Lane County (that strongly resembles a backroom in a Glenwood tavern). A small round table is covered with a red and white checkerboard tablecloth. Don Leikenelli and Donna Piercerino are sitting quietly around the table with their hands palm down on the table. Their henchmen, Denny the Hammer and Mikey the Knife, are standing behind them at the ready, each with bulging pockets. All are dressed in pinstriped suits and wing-tipped patent-leather shoes.

MUSIC: That's Amore (sung by Dean Martin) "When the moon hits you eye like a big pizza pie. That's amore. When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine. That's amore ..."

NOTE: All dialogue is to be spoken like Marlon Brando with marbles in his mouth.

DON LEIKENELLI: (shifting in his seat, tapping his fingers on the table)

DONNA PIERCERINO: (sipping tea)

LEIKENELLI: Donna Piercerino, you sure Donna Morrisini will show?

PIERCERINO: (setting down her cup of tea, briefly flashing a smile) She'll show.

LEIKENELLI: This better not be a set up. I'll give her another five minutes and then me and Mikey are outta here.

PIERCERINO: It's no set up.

LEIKENELLI: Maybe she got stuck in all that I-105 construction traffic. I don't know why they can't keep the roads running smoothly. I'm a patriotic American who pays taxes ... (laughing) ... you know, after my accountant corrects the books. The government just ain't what it used to be.

PIERCERINO: Times have changed. It's not like the old days when we first went into business.

LEIKENELLI: The roads used to flow like my mamma's virgin olive oil.

The only door to the room swings open. Donna Morrisini enters, followed by her henchman, Billy the Ax. Morrisini scans the room then walks purposefully to the seat farthest from Piercerino. The two donnas stare at each other like rival lovers until Piercerino breaks her gaze.

PIERCERINO: (taking a deep breath before beginning) Don Leikenelli, Donna Morrisini, thank you for coming. It has been too long since our three families have broken bread together. Things have gotten out of control. Brother against brother and sister against sister. All this infighting is bad for business. We need to call a truce.

DONNA MORRISINI: You're a fine one to talk. Your policies are bad for business. Customers are leaving you. Others families are muscling in on your territory. You've lost your edge.

LEIKENELLI: We'll keep the East Side as the West Side goes to hell.

MORRISINI: What's all this crap about a truce? We've always been free to compete for business. The idea of a truce is ... well, un-American.

LEIKENELLI: Donna Piercerino, you kept that federal courthouse deal all to yourself --

PIERCERINO: But you stole Sacred Heart Hospital (making the sign of the cross), Don Leikenelli.

LEIKENELLI: -- and will probably get Mac Court, too.

PIERCERINO: We let you have the Williams Bakery in Glenwood.

LEIKENELLI: (sneering) Oh, am I supposed to offer you a thousand thanks?

MORRISINI: Donna Piercerino, I hear you want to kill that West Eugene Parkway deal. My sand and gravel boys don't like the sound of that, and it'd be bad for business on the Far West Side.

PIERCERINO: Donna Morrisini, you skim all the forest receipt monies and keep it for yourself. All the other families are suffering as a result.

MORRISINI: You'd just fritter away the money on planning and other nonsense.

PIERCERINO: Please, please. Let's not argue. Times have changed. It's not like the old days when we could all count on steady revenue from cutting. It's the New Economy and the Internet. If we aren't careful, we'll all lose business to the Chinese. They're outsourcing everything these days.

LEIKENELLI: It's true. Times are tough. Our protection business is suffering. We want to build a center, but our customers won't cough up the dough. In the old days, they'd do what the families said.

MORRISINI: Tell me about it. Seven times we've gone to our customers demanding a larger percentage and seven times they've given us the finger. It's like some kind of curse. It's getting so bad that some of my boys have been running out of bullets.

LEIKENELLI: Donna Voltera up in Coburg has a good thing going. Her enforcement boys skim the dough from tourists passing through. It's like taking candy from babies.

MORRISINI: Not for much longer. That slick Prosankero is convincing the G-men to put the brakes on Donna Voltera. Back in the old days, the boys in Salem did what we told 'em to do. No more.

PIERCERINO: Enough! Complaining will get us nowhere. Look, the business has been good to me. I have no complaints. One of these days I'm going to retire -- when I choose, mind you. Don't get any funny ideas. But I'm thinking about my kids and grandkids. They should inherit business as good or better than we did. The question is what we must do to stem the flow of red.

LEIKENELLI: Maybe we should trim the fat. You know, eliminate losing propositions ... like that LRAPA fiasco.

PIERCERINO: Don Leikenelli, put out that dirty cigar. I don't know how you can smoke those things. LRAPA is cleaning up business. People won't tolerate the smoke the way the used to when they burned the fields. LRAPA stays.

MORRISINI: The news from our accountant is grim. He is suggesting we might have to unload some assets, maybe even the fairgrounds.

PIERCERINO: The fairgrounds are the family jewels. Don't sell those like a pauper at a pawnshop.

LEIKENELLI: Didn't that short guy from California, Musumeci, try to buy the fairgrounds?

PIERCERINO: Yeah, but he is nothing but a small-time operator. He makes money all right, but he lacks style. We don't want to deal with the likes of him. He is even trying to buy our EWEB property.

LEIKENELLI: I think we should expand our territory ... maybe even start to put the squeeze on Donna Voltera.

MORRISINI: We've got all the territory we need, and we like it that way.

PIERCERINO: No, no. I'm thinking we need to work together to make Lane County a destination: the place to be.

LEIKENELLI: (pausing) Yeah, yeah ... that's the ticket. Maybe I can develop a big convention center like they have in Las Vegas. A few casinos, show girls, stuff like that.

MORRISINI: Hey, Don Leikenelli! Are you trying to siphon off my events business?

LEIKENELLI: Your business is bleeding red ink like a stool pigeon full of holes!

PIERCERINO: Calm down. You aren't seeing the opportunities. You aren't thinking big enough. Not his, not hers, but ours. Get it?

LEIKENELLI: Are you suggesting we go into business together?

MORRISINI: Split the take?

LEIKENELLI: Like shareholders?

MORRISINI: I wouldn't trust either of you farther than I could spit.

LEIKENELLI: Well, we could use help with our new protection center.

MORRISINI: Now that you mention it, we'd appreciate your support convincing our customers to dig a little deeper into their pockets.

LEIKENELLI: Maybe charge them a bit more at the pump?

MORRISINI: Or up our "property insurance" rates?

PIERCERINO: Yes, you are starting to see how we could all do better if we fought less and worked together more. But you are still missing the vision.

MORRISINI: Vision? That sounds awfully close to that planning nonsense.

PIERCERINO: No, not planning, well, not exactly. Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. Visioning, like in people from across the country coming to Lane County for our natural beauty, our outdoor and indoor sports, our culture, and our people.

LEIKENELLI: We ain't no Las Vegas.

PIERCERINO: Exactly, We ain't no desert in the middle of nowhere with not enough water. We are the Land at Eden's Gate. A paradise on earth. The place to be.

MORRISINI: And how exactly would anyone know we are the place to be?

PIERCERINO: For starters, we could begin taking pride in our community and welcoming visitors. The University of Oregon and the Ducks, the McKenzie River, the Florence sand dunes and Heceta Head, the Hult Center, Mount Pisgah, the Eugene Celebration and the Saturday Market. I could go on and on. Think a big ad campaign, only very classy ... not in your face.

MORRISINI: Could we give equal time to the Beavers?

LEIKENELLI: And the Filbert Festival?

PIERCERINO: Of course! Now you are talking.

MORRISINI: So you are wanting me to say nice things --

PIERCERINO: Exactly!

MORRISINI: -- about other families?

PIERCERINO: It wouldn't kill you to try.

LEIKENELLI: But no one ever got rich just by saying nice things. What's our angle?

PIERCERINO: I already told you. We'll go into business together. Split the take. Let's start with the fairgrounds and figure out together how to make it the place to be. Hotels, restaurants, sports events, night life -- maybe even a hospital for the older folks.

MORRISINI: We'd need to work out a good protection system. Maybe we could even invite some of the smaller families to join us.

LEIKENELLI: And we on the East Side would get a cut of all this business on the West Side?

PIERCERINO: Yeah, you'll get your cut. Once the people start coming, there will be plenty for everyone.

MORRISINI: Yeah, but is such a system sustainable?

PIERCERINO: If we don't get too greedy and make sure we leave enough for our kids and grandkids.

LEIKENELLI: (starting to cry) Oh, the little boys and girls. They are so beautiful and innocent. I just attended the baptism of my latest godson.

MORRISINI: Suck it up, Don Leikenelli. You cry like a Catholic schoolgirl with no date for the prom.

PIERCERINO: So we have a deal?

LEIKENELLI: If anyone can make it happen, you can, Donna Piercerino.

PIERCERINO: You are a good man, Don Leikenelli. Sometime soon I'll come over and pray with you ... but not during family time, you understand? Family must come first.

LEIKENELLI: Oh, bless you.

PIERCERINO: And Donna Morrisini, let's talk about that parkway of yours. I'm a reasonable woman, see? Maybe we can work out some kind of deal.

MORRISINI: Something would be better than nothing.

PIERCERINO: (raising her cup of tea) Brother Leikenelli, Sister Morrisini, we are part of the same extended family. Let us pledge on our honor to work together.

LEIKENELLI: (clinking a glass) Amen.

MORRISINI: (clinking a glass) Amen.

PIERCERINO: Denny, would you see our guests out safely?

DENNY: You're the boss.

MIKEY: I've got you covered, Don Leikenelli.

BILLY: I'll get the limo, Donna Morrisini.

Piercerino remains seated by herself.

PIERCERINO: (speaking to no one in particular, clutching picture of her grandchildren): God, I hope I can pull it off ... for the kids.

MUSIC: Volare (sung by Frank Sinatra) "Volare, oh oh, cantare, oh oh oh oh. Let's fly way up to the clouds, away from the maddening crowds. We can sing in the glow of a star that I know of where lovers enjoy peace of mind. Let us leave the confusion and all disillusion behind, just like bird of a feather, a rainbow together we'll find ..."

Fade to black.

THE END.